There is no beauty within me- just scratchiness, barbs, sharp, scared. Fear of disappointing, fear of not getting well, fear of making a fool of myself, fear that another friend will leave me, fear that my friend was right in leaving me, fear that my family will leave me too. I long for Beauty. Calm. Peace. Love. I long to look into my Savior’s face every day and feel his love, to know that He approves, that I haven’t disappointed Him again. My heart aches to be a gentle person, to be serene, to laugh at the days to come, to lead my children down that path as well. That they should never hear another harsh word, that I would govern and discipline with love and soft words.
Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
Joy should abound in hearts set free by grace. Joy should be the root of all that we do and say- the fruit of our intake of the gift of the Holy Spirit. Knowing this and doing this are two separate things. Where insecurities cling, a heart is not made free. They’re always there- pushing back on the good. Stealing the peace.
Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;let them ever sing for joy,and spread your protection over them,that those who love your name may exult in you.
I determine to fill this heart with words from His heart. A balm to my weary and tired soul. To fill it with beautiful thoughts, and dreams. To see the wondrous love in my life. To banish all thoughts of insecurity. To know that they were not right. Had no right. That “He is jealous for me”. That I am made new over and over again. And “Oh, how He loves me.” To be beautiful from within offering the gift of grace and mercy and love through a life well lived and well loved.
Deuteronomy 10:12
"And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, 13and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good? 14Behold, to the LORD your God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, the earth with all that is in it. 15Yet the LORD set his heart in love on your fathers and chose their offspring after them, you above all peoples, as you are this day. 16Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no longer stubborn. 17For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. 18He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. 19Love the sojourner, therefore, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt. 20 You shall fear the LORD your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him, and by his name you shall swear. 21 He is your praise. He is your God, who has done for you these great and terrifying things that your eyes have seen. 22Your fathers went down to Egypt seventy persons, and now the LORD your God has made you as numerous as the stars of heaven.
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